Why are we afraid of acting? tangent about friends and lovers!

On tv today I caught a little snippet of the movie Rudy, which in spite of being a sports movie, is actually pretty good! It was the scene where a misunderstood Rudy gets a talking-to from the priest/civics teacher. Anyhow, the priest says something to the effect of that the trouble with dreamers is they aren't doers. It made me mad. I hope that I never judge a student like that. Some kids can have pretty bad attitudes, but I really want my students to know that I believe that everyone can be successful in one way or another. I believe in them. I think it is the role of every teacher and/or parent to impress this upon children. I am not here to do their work or spoonfeed it to them, but I am here to help them have tools to accomplish something in my class. And these are intangible tools as well as ones you can touch. Attitude has as much to do with learning as intelligence, if not more.

The thought expressed in that character's quote also got me thinking. Some of the most successful individuals didn't always do well in school. Adolescence is not always the age where a lot of people have things figured out (I didn't!), but I think that is no excuse to make school insanely easy or to just write off someone and not help them. I remember my early years in middle and high school and it was a wave of hormones and mood swings, accompanied by a desire to please others. Others had the opposite attitude but the same stormy mood.

Now, while I've changed, I still want to make a difference in someone's life. I consider my personality in my career life to be what I want it to be, although sometimes I am overly cautious.

What are my excuses not to pursue my personal life (basically finding and keeping close friends and finding a significant other) as fervently as I do my professional life?

• In my personal life, I have been pretty sheltered. I have not had too many experiences, which is why my common sense can sometimes be lacking.
• I've been hurt.
• The timing isn't right.
• I worry what the other person is going to think of me.

A previous post here talked about how I am a good dreamer, but often don't know how to act on my dreams. Why on earth are we (I am assuming you are a fellow dreamer) afraid to act when we aren't afraid to dream up the most insanely wonderful things?

I feel like currently my life is getting better and more enjoyable every day. But still,I have feelings or dreams that I am just too scared to act on. REALLY, what is the worst thing that could happen? I act like I would just DIE if I had to go on a bad date or found out a person I wanted to be friends with was annoying. I have had more hits to my self esteem in the last year than I think ever before. These are not excuses not to try to find positive, loving people to help me be a better person.

I am not afraid to be who I am. But who I am also includes what I want to have in my life. I am not going to force anything to happen, but really, the worst thing that could happen is I could find a person whose personality just doesn't mesh with mine. And it is better to have sought out relationships than to sit at home feeling sorry for myself.

It takes a lot of courage to be a thoughtful, deliberate person. I think somewhere inside of me I possess it!

Finally, RE: Romance

I know from experience that I should not be codependent on someone. The only person who I should are about changing in a relationship is me. It is highly unlikely that I can change that person, and I shouldn't have to. The little personality flaws I find in this person and that this person finds in me should be extremely minor things that don't interfere with our affection for one another. I need to find someone who makes me a better me.

It doesn't have to be today, and it doesn't have to be any time soon. But really, I confess that I miss a good snuggle (NOT SNUGGIE!) or just the feel of someone's hand in mine or arm around me. I am an affectionate person with a lot of love to give. It is not my first priority in life to get my MRS., but it would be nice if it felt right. Same story with kids.

I know that I can't be like Rapunzel wasting away in her tower. That's not going to help me live a fulfilling life. But I also don't want to be one of those Girls Gone Wild. There is a way to go out and seek relationships that isn't needy, isn't slutty, but is fulfilling. That is what I am trying to find. And I don't just want to think about finding it, I want to do something to make my life waht I want it to be.

I get advice sometimes and here are two really good ones from my fam:

- the right person for you will love things about you that you don't necessarily love! (and vice versa)

- the person for you doesn't have to be anything but just that, right for you. That's why you might not notice the person at first, since you have this picture in your mind of your ideal person. (That is, you can't just order a groom with pre-defined characteristics, a la Edward Cullen in the mail. It would be easier that way but not right. The media's view of romance aka instant gratification/sex/disposable relationships doesn't help! Real romance is well worth having but I know it isn't easy to come by.)

Ok I realize that not the whole world is going to look at this blog but it is therapeutic for me so that's all that matters to me. Expressing myself helps me.

Now I just need to put my beliefs into action rather than just words alone.

Mi tatuaje...ideas

(NOT PICASSO)

OR

OR

OR

Quien a Dios tiene

nada le falta

solo Dios basta

(These are paintings by Picasso

and a quote

by Teresa of Avila)

I love the idea of peace within from God signified by the dove (also the Holy Spirit).

I think that if I were to get a tattoo it would have to have significance to me.

God, peace, and relying on something bigger than myself, is something I don't think will ever change.

I would either like to get it on my lower right back or somewhere on the front of my body where it would be hidden in dress clothes. Some people think tattoos are trashy, but really, a constant, permanent reminder of what things are important to you is just that.

I will keep you updated on whether I get it. Any suggestions?

Grief and Nerdiness

My uncle passed away yesterday. While I was not as close with him as other relatives, it hurts. I am trying to be here for my family and just love and listen to them. It has been helpful for this time of my life (not just grieving, but searching for who I am) to be studying what I am.

I am really finding comfort in reading Teresa of Avila. Also, there is a facebook application that is called "God wants you to know...." I really think it is helpful!

Here was today's message:

"If you never questioned your beliefs, - you are just a puppet dancing to somebody's strings. If God had wanted your mindless obedience, you would've been created without mind and without free will. But you have both so you can come to God of your own accord. Just look at the lives of saints, - most of them had gone through a dark night of the soul, and that's why their faith was so strong. The path to true faith always goes through doubt. So ask those questions you've always been afraid to ask, and find the answers, and then your faith will become unshakable."

But yah, nerdiness:

I have a paper for my MA (which I haven't started but have paid for 1 year) that is not due until fall 2011 and you've read 12/16 works for it.

AND I've considered getting a tattoo of a quote from Teresa!

Strengths, weaknesses.....thinking about life!

I need to be more aware of what´s good about me and while recognizing my weaknesses, I need to get over them! Everyone´s human but should not let the things that are bad about themselves keep them from living a good life!

Positives

I am an academically-minded/intelligent person.

I am kind and consider others in my decisions.

I am sensitive.

Negatives

I am perfectionistic

I sometimes put the needs of others above my own.

In some situations, I lack common sense necessary to make the best decision.

Hope you have some antacids because this only gooey quotey goodness!

My current mantra....

Quien a Dios tiene

nada le falta

aunque todo lo pierda

solo Dios basta

(whoever has God

is missing nothing

even though everything is lost

God is enough)

-Teresa of Avila

****************

Another quote I like a lot right now...

What do you say to taking chances?

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there´s solid ground below,

or a hand to hold,

or hell to pay.

What do you say?

- Celine Dion

· Do what Dwight Schrute does

- think, would an idiot do this?

If so, don´t do it! ·

The guy for you is going to like things about you

that you don't like about yourself. - Whitty, my sis

I need to find someone who is willing to ride out the bumps

on the road of life with me

and put up with my saying, "ouch, that was a hard bump!"

If those around you can't listen and support you in your efforts,

they have no place in your life.

Surround yourself with the kind of person you are and want to be.

Be more of who you are and you'll attract people like yourself.

"Not everything that counts can be counted,

and not everything that can be counted counts."

The only life worth living is one that you are truly passionate about. - Glee

"Love in the Christian sense, does not mean an emotion.

It is a state not of the feelings, but of the will;

that we have naturally about ourselves,

and must learn to have about other people."

- C.S. Lewis, "Mere Christianity"

Trust is the glue of life.

It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication.

It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships.

- Stephen R. Covey

Don't rush into any kind of relationship.

Work on yourself. Feel yourself, experience yourself and love yourself.

Do this first and you will soon attract that special loving other.

- Russ Von Hoelscher

Everyone and everything around you is your teacher.

- Ken Keyes, Jr.

No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.

- Charles Dickens

Living without regrets....gooey, quote-filled goodness

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. - Helen Keller

We cannot think first and act afterward. From the moment of birth we are immersed in action, and can only fitfully guide it by taking thought. - Alfred North Whitehead

Never do things others can do and will do, if there are things others cannot do or will not do. - Ameliea Earhart

To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe. - Anatole France

I am a dreamer. Maybe it comes from reading so many books, or from loving romantic movies....but a lot of times I enjoy dreaming (literally or just thinking of possibilities) more than some events that happen in my life. I realize from the above quotes that I am doing too much dreaming, and not enough acting. I feel stagnant because I fear what would happen if I stepped out of my comfort zone and did what I dreamed.

When dreaming, the best possible outcome always happens. No one speaks badly of you, laughs at you, or is jealous of you. Everyone and everything in a dream is positive, happy, and the way you feel it should be. (Nightmares are a different story, which I don´t enjoy.)

Dreaming sometimes gets me in trouble. If you´ve heard of the Aesop´s Fable (which I began reading along to in Middle English at age 4, I might add...bragging yes, but fun, yes) about the milkmaid who spilled the milk she was carrying because she thought of the chickens whose eggs she hadn´t even bought with the money from the milk and what she could. (shortest explanation I could come up with.)

I was guilty of this on previous occasions...in previous relationships. I concentrated so much on the future and what could be that I lost sight of the present and what needed to be done. An idealistic view of a relationship is useful, but really, shuld not be your only view! If you´re going to dream of what you are going to bulid with a hammer, grand castles and churches and bridges....and lose sight of the broken hammer in front of you, none of those dreams are going to come into reality! (cool comparison, Kelsey -- I love me!)

Dreaming has its place. It is a gift from God, showing us what could come if we acted towards a particular goal.

Positive visualization followed by action is perhaps a smarter thing, and what God wants people to do. Jesus didn´t just say nice things....he acted in a way that brought about good for those who were in need. He talked the talk and, more importantly, walked the walk!

A lot of celebrities or people talk about helping others but don´t back it up. (Thinking of Haiti right now....maybe I should do something, even as relatively poor as I am. Doesn´t have to be money....)

My life could be worse, but could be better. Me, and my attitude, determine the quality of my life. I have had periods of saddness and anxiety....but really, what for? Jesus had it a whole lot worse than I do, and look at what God´s son did in the 33 years he was on this Earth? I am not Jesus....but I´m his child and I could do a lot better at following in his footsteps. My heart is in the right place....now I need to make sure my head and hands are too. I am completely capable of being happy, achieving my dreams, and doing things for others. Now why am I not? Working on it...

---------------

Do good by stealth, and blush to find it fame. - Alexander Pope

This is a concept that I have been seeing in my reading about St. Teresa of Avila. She hated to hear good said about her, and actually enjoyed hearing bad things about herself. Why, was she crazy? No, she just really took to heart when Jesus said,

Matthew 5:11, 12

11“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.

12Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

I can really identify with St. Teresa on some levels. I have always been super-hard on myself...in fact, my parents said I punished myself when I did something bad. Guilty conscience? I don´t know. She (Teresa) was very hard on herself and considered herself the worst sinner of all, and thought she had the hardest heart, the worst following of the Law (10 Commandments)...etc etc.

As I grew up and went to church I learned that in spite of the fact that we´re God´s people, we´re going to suffer. The world and many people in it do not accept God or his people, unless it is convenient or can help them gain something. I have had a pretty easy life so far. But I am understanding that suffering can have meaning..... (to be continued!!!)

I really believe that human nature, without ethics or religion or morals (whatever you´d like to call it), is evil. God gave us free will and that wrong choice is always going to look pretty good to some people. Evil looks pretty fun sometimes....but that doesn´t mean it isn´t wrong. God wants me to live without regrets, but He doesn´t want me to make bad choices. He wants me to make sure that when I die, I can be at peace with the fact that if there was an opportunity to act to promote what is good and right in the world (or the wellbeing of another), that I didn´t just wait around for someone else to do it.

I am human so I did take pleasure in high school and college when I achieved things. I don´t think God is against working towards goals and enjoying meeting goals. Getting to the point...

However, just like a person shouldn´t do good works to earn salvation, good works should be done. A person should do them for the pleasure of knowing that, for God (or whatever you do good works for), good is done.

Christians are called to do good. Doing it without getting recognition - even better! Nothing should be done for what extrinsic things we might receive because of it, but because of the intrinsic goodness of the thing, for the joy of doing good, and for the joy of knowing for Who we´re doing good.

I believe this.

• I also believe that God wants me to dream of good things and work to make those good things reality. Even if I don´t achieve them, He will still give me the joy inside (before, during, and after) and the peace inside that I attempted to do them.
• I aspire to be like St. Teresa in that I long to have balance...between the interior and exterior.
• Balance = peace. And really, my life goal and the meaning of life (getting too deep?) is to have balance and peace.
• I should not be lukewarm about anything, but be the beautiful, passionate dreamer I am!

Thanks for reading my blog!

Changing my thinking

Dwelling on the negative simply contributes to its power. I am trying to change my thinking. It´s really hard when you´ve shaped yourself into a person, whether meaning to or not, and you figure out that person isn´t really going to help you in the challenges of life. I feel like I´ve put everyone else before me, to the point that Kelsey is lost. No more. I´m putting myself as a priority on the list of my life.

I went to a psychologist to sort of talk through my feelings and not being familiar with him, I was a little hesitant. But by the end of the session, I had gotten something out of it. There was a purpose to what he was asking me about, and you can´t solve a person´s problems in one session. That´s just unrealistic.

We talked about the events of my life, how I feel about them, and what drove me to do this or do that. But really, the things that have happened in my life aren´t things that any normal person can handle without reacting! Emotions and anxiety have a purpose, so I can´t just want to be a person without them. My level of anxiety, though, is kind of extreme, to the point that I sometimes feel overwhelmed

OK, so here´s what I learned and want to apply to my life:

• Avoid global, generalizing statements. I see that me overgeneralizing about my job made me feel more stressed than I needed to.
• Recognize the positive. See the negative and think of why it happened.
• Stress is a result of the amount of change in our lives. Even a person who wins the lottery is going to have stress because that signifies a big change.
• When you get anxious, think through what is making you anxious. What do you feel threatened about? Are these threats really as big as you are making them?

Proust Questionnaire

The Proust Questionnaire has its origins in a parlor game popularized (though not devised) by Marcel Proust, the French essayist and novelist, who believed that, in answering these questions, an individual reveals his or her true nature. (Go tohttp://www.vanityfair.com/magazine/archive/proust_questionnaire if you want Krista’s source for info)

Here is the basic Proust Questionnaire:

1.What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Being intellectual and loved for who i am.

2.What is your greatest fear?

Failure or loneliness

3.What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

My lack of confidence

4.What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Self-centeredness

5.Which living person do you most admire?

my family members

6.What is your greatest extravagance?
BOOKS!!

7.What is your current state of mind?

crazy

8.What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
they are all good but for myself, I need to be less cautious

9.On what occasion do you lie?

when the truth is hurtful and not necessary to say - like, that hat is butt ugly. if a person likes a butt ugly hat let them wear it.

10.What do you most dislike about your appearance?
my lack of investment in it

11.Which living person do you most despise? my ex

12.What is the quality you most like in a man?
acceptance, selflessness, love

13.What is the quality you most like in a woman?
confidence tempered with real interest in others

14.Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"It's my fault."

15.What or who is the greatest love of your life?
God or books

16.When and where were you happiest?
Costa Rica 2006

17.Which talent would you most like to have?
flirting :)

18.If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
my view of myself

19.What do you consider your greatest achievement?
surviving 1 and a half years of teaching

20.If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
a greatly loved book, one that a person reads over and over, writes in, etc.

21.Where would you most like to live?

a large city

22.What is your most treasured possession?
my books

23.What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
being mistreated by people

24.What is your favorite occupation?

writer or student

25.What is your most marked characteristic?
kindness

26.What do you most value in your friends?

acceptance and nerdyness! :)

27.Who are your favorite writers?

The Brontes, Teresa of Avila, Charles Dickens

28.Who is your hero of fiction?
Jane Eyre, Charles Darnay (Tale of Two Cities), Jean Valjean (Les Miserables), Robert Langdon, Sookie Stackhouse, La mujer del juez (from Isabel Allende story of the same name), Harry Potter and/or Neville Longbottom

29.Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Emily Dickenson, Mary Todd Lincoln, Sacagawea or Teresa of Avila

30.Who are your heroes in real life?

my family

31.What are your favorite names?

Lily, Poppy, Brendan, Caden,Erik

32.What is it that you most dislike?
selfish people, rude people

33.What is your greatest regret?

not standing up for myself in my long term relationship

34.How would you like to die?
in my sleep after a happy life

35.What is your motto?
God doesn't make junk!

Whoever has God is missing nothing! Only God is enough