Anticipating 2010, some quotes I want to keep in mind...

"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."

-Maya Angelou

The proper function of man is to live - not to exist." -- Jack London

"Pray, pray to the Lord with me, because the whole world needs prayer. And every day, when your heart especially feels the loneliness of life, pray. Pray to the Lord, because even God needs our prayers."

— St. Pio of Pietrelcina

when you know that you're capable of dealing with whatever comes, you have the only security the world has to offer.

- Harry Browne

FOLLOW YOUR BLISS

FIND JOY in each day

God doesn't create junk!

Two Latin Phrases and What They Mean to Me

I really think learning some Latin would bring about good things both in my native language, English, and my second language, Spanish.

I own a book about Latin and have learned a few words that have helped me to expand my vocabulary. I'm kind of a word freak, I love being able to learn and use new words. Also, looking at medical terminology, I have learned Latin and Greek word parts that have made me feel a little smarter....

Ok, so here's the first phrase:

Dum spiro, spero. While I breathe, I hope.

Hope is the thing that keeps me going. I am a very kind and intelligent person, but sometimes I am very worried, very stressed, and very hard on myself. Some of this is from the fact that I have low self esteem, but I think part of it is also my relationship with God. I am aware of how perfect God is and how imperfect I am. From the time I was a little kid, I have had a guilty conscience. My parents say that I punished myself when I did something. Weird, huh?

I think my relationship with God leaves something to be desired. I am a person who knows I'm not able to do it all, but it is hard for me to give up control even though I know that God knows all, can do all, and will care for me in a way that is best for me. I am working on trusting him more.

Hope is not only the name of the church I have gone to for years, but it is the thing that keeps me going when life attempts to give me a kick in the rear end.

I am getting a lot from Teresa of Avila's Interior Castle and studying her life. I feel like she was very human in spite of experiencing God in very special ways.

Right now God has sent me a lot of peace but also some challenges as well. I know that the events of the world's horrible way of doing things will keep on going until the world ends, but I know that God can give me internal peace and keep me hoping for something better in my life and in my soul. I consider hoping for peace one of my main goals in life. As long as I'm breathing I am hoping.

Cogito ergo sum. I think, therefore I am.

I feel very blessed to be very intellectual. Some people would look at the words nerdy or geeky as bad. I take those as compliments. I have been crowned (my mom calls me this) "The Queen of Useless Information." It has a use to me, making me feel knowledgeable and just giving me a pleasant smile to know and think about things!

I have experienced some environments in my life where people showed themselves to have academics much lower on their priorities than they were on mine. In high school I am sure a ton of people put sports, boyfriends/girlfriends, drugs, sex above being successful in school. In college it was the same. I made a point of being around positive people who didn't partake in negative behaviors.

I know there is more to life than academics. It is necessary to have love and friendship in your life. My life would be very cold and boring without learning!

It is with the group of people I got to know senior year of high school and beyond - Quiz Bowl - that really made me feel like I was able to be myself. We differed a bit in personality, but to this day I am still in contact with some of my Quiz Bowl friends. It is the feeling that being with these people - acceptance - that I seek in my professional life as perhaps a future professor. I also seek that in my personal life. I want friends who accept me and who I accept for who they are. Some day, God willing, I want a boyfriend/husband that epitomizes this (and is other things too, things that help me to be a better me!)

I've gone a bit astray from what I had intended to say, but I think what I've said has been good. Point is, I don't know where I'd be if thinking, knowledge, and education weren't a part of my life. I feel very fortunate to have been given an education that encourages me to think, to question, to find more about this world we live in.

I know not all people are like this. I just want to find some nerdy friends to let me be as I am!

New Year's?

I know Christmas isn't even here yet, but I am already thinking about new beginnings, like that of 2010. It is crazy to think that we're going into the second decade of the 2000s! I feel so different right now from the way I was even in 2004. Besides my feelings about changes in me since that time, a lot has changed even since last New Year's. Let's start with negatives....

• lost a boyfriend
• lost a job
• got stressed
• slept too much
• ate too much
• generally lived a lazy life

But now some positives

• realized that what I had in a boyfriend was not what I wanted and not what I deserved
• drove places alone and actually made it to where I needed to be, when I needed to be there!
• spoke Spanish to people at the Immersion, understood others and was understood by them
• slept in a hotel room by myself
• went to Curves and worked out some
• gained a sense of self-worth
• gained peace within (more than I had before)
• found out about my thyroid condition and got help for it
• found out the ones who really truly care for me and my well-being
• signed up for a Master's program

Now for New Year's resolutions....I think I'd better make them few so that I can more easily met.

• Seek God above all things
• Care for myself. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I am worth it.
• Think the best of myself.
• Live a life that challenges me intellectually
• Seek out adventure - Spain!
• Find what in life makes me happy.
• Find others who can accept me in spite of my faults.
• Accept others in spite of their faults.

Now, below is a note I previously had on facebook, but thought it was applicable....

If money was no object and your success was guaranteed, what would you want in your life?
I would travel to Spanish speaking nations and Europe.
Live in tons of countries!
I would be a college professor.
I would write papers and give talks on things related to Spanish and culture.
I would be a Dr.!
I would have students who liked me!
I would dance!
I would be a lean, mean teaching, researching, lecturing machine!
I would be in shape.
I would know how awesome I am and feel confident in myself.
I would be happy with my life even if I were single.

If you decided to never again accept anything less than everything what would you do?
I would go to grad school.
I would get a PhD.
I would not think that I couldn´t do things. I would go out and try them.
I would recognize when I make mistakes but not stew in the juice of my own misery...
I would make my dreams come true.
I would thoughtfully put effort towards everything I did.

Snow Day Musings....

I really think that God knows what we need. I had a really bad Monday, and Tuesday, we had a snow day. It may not be for the reasons that I think, but for the simple fact that God wants me to sit quietly and think of all my blessings, and the plan that he has for my life.

This Christmas is going to be a very happy time. God has given me so much and I am thankful for it all. I am a very talented person, and the job I was in was just not the one for me. There is nothing wrong with me walking away from this. I will find my niche somewhere....no one said that the first job you ever have is going to be the one that you stay in.

I am so very glad that I am going to Spain. My parents are really nice to let me move back until I get back on my feet. I felt a little guilty when faced with the idea, but my mom doesn't just give me hugs. She told me that I am a person who contributes, and not a person who uses her parents. I hope I never get to that point. I am sure I'm not that person.

I am a person who likes to dream and likes to pine away for things. My issue in life has been that I am very good at dreaming of my future, not so good at making it happen. I intend to make that happen, professionally and personally.

I am going to see what God has in store for me. I love the fact that I chose to buy some books to do a paper between my second and third years of UNISSIST. The Interior Castle by St. Teresa of Avila has really spoken to me. Here's a few things that I have gotten from it.

• God sends us challenges because he cares for us and knows we can handle them.
• Being humble means realizing that without God, nothing good can happen.
• God might take time in making a decision, and it might not be the one we want, but it's for the best. We need to surrender ourselves to his will.
• True, lasting peace is only to be found in God.

Difficult Decision

I have made a difficult decision. I think it is the right one. My family supports me, and I think the whole experience is going to make me trust God a lot more. I am trying not to feel worthless in spite of the stress I've experienced and the feeling of failure. I have a lot going for me, and I am going to make the most of who I am.

I am glad that I have started my research of Teresa of Avila. I can find a lot to apply to my own life in her work.

That's all. Oh, except, I had some life experiences today. Namely, my first x-ray, CBC, and UA.

Late Night/Early Morning Happiness Post

Random events have been happening that have made me think of what happiness is and what sort of things I am going to have to do in order to obtain it. I was wondering whether it is immaturity that is causing me to be unable to deal with life´s challenges....or my sensitivity...my desire to please others..... or something else. Here are 10 rules I am going to try to live my life by from now on.

1. Love myself. I am the only me I have, and if I am consantly down on myself I am never going to be happy with what my life is. That doesn´t mean do whatever I want, but really accept and love myself to the heart of who I am, good bad and ugly. I think as a Christian I can love myself and have self esteem but still hate sin and bad things that I may think, say, or do. God made me to be the best parts of me, for His purposes. He wants me to influence people positively and help them to see Him in the good parts of Me. (Deep enough for you?)
2. Be around positive people who accept me for me and who do not dictate who I am or my level of happiness. Other people can add to my happiness, but if I am going to live a happy life, I need to be joyful regardless of the circumstances. My sis said something to that effect. I think especially after my long-term relationship that lasted most of my college years, my priorities were messed up. Only I can make me happy by being who I am. A job, relationship, marriage, kids....that only adds to the happiness. But if I am seeking out those things in order to be happy, I will not ever feel it.
3. Be passionate about the things I choose to do, not lukewarm. Life is not worth living if I am not pursuing something I really love. I think my problem with teaching right now is that all my love for the subject matter has been overshadowed by discipline problems. When I went to school to be a teacher I reflected back on the fun, educational times that I experienced with my teachers. I love Spanish, literature, and sharing my talents. Perhaps I need to re-evaluate what sort of environment could help me to experience my passions in the right way.
4. Appreciate the people around me who support me, and pray for those who don´t.
5. Not try to escape, distract myself, etc from my responsibilities. This represents both something tangible (undone dishes in the sink) and something more abstract (an attitude I find myself having in times when I would much rather cry than try). I need to handle challenges by putting my best effort forward. If even after that I fail, it was not a challenge I was meant to overcome right now.
6. Enable myself to do the things I enjoy, in spite of what anyone else might think.
7. Not fear failure so much that I do not do something that would enrich my life.
8. Accept the fact that maybe I am a person who isn´t meant to be a social butterfly. A person can have a rich life with a small circle of friends and family. In fact, then I have a lower probability of being let down.
9. Lean on those who have proven themselves worthy of my trust.
10. Not try to make the romance thing happen if it isn´t meant to. Right now working on me is really what is going to pay off when I look back on my life on my death bed, not seeking a man to make me feel needed and wanted. Oscar Wilde said that to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. It certainly isn´t selfish or egotistical to love who I am. I am certainly worth it. The One I am meant to be with is out there, and God really wants me to know who I am and what I want before he may reveal that guy to me.

Thanksgiving Break

After a two and a half day work week, break is finally here. I feel like I haven´t laid around too much. Although after Wednesday´s early out, I took a nap before packing up and coming to SSC. Then went to New Moon with Matt. (Twilight people are crazy, aren´t they?) Thought the night would end there but met up with 2 Otterby boys and a Buehler! (Not Ferris!) Then went to IHOP.... he he he! I love that place!!!

Today cleaned and cooked (well I just did a little cleaning, and eating....), had Thanksgiving Dinner at South Ridge Drive. Exchanged ornaments with Dodo, Lynn, and Jess. :)

I am very thankful that in spite of the craziness of my life that I have people to be thankful for. I may not have a lot of people in my life, but those that I do know and love accept me and love me as I am. Thanks everyone. Life would be a lot harder if I didn´t have you all around to support me.

Jumping on the Twilight Bandwagon, aka Kelsey the Fangirl will live forever!

BEWARE EDWARD LOVERS -- EDWARD BASHING AHEAD!

There is a lot of hoopla right now over the new Twilight movie, New Moon. While I haven’t seen it, I anticipate seeing it over Thanksgiving break with my guy friend. It made me think about, why, Kelsey, at 24, are you still crazed over this series of books as if you were a thirteen year-old girl?

First, I am going to discuss the series itself and my thoughts about the books and movies. I read all the books before I saw the movie, so I can say that I was a Twilight fan before Robert Pattinson. I have very pleasant memories of sitting in my ex-boyfriend’s dorm room, reading the books together. Regardless of the things that split us apart, one thing that Ross and I enjoyed together was literature, movies, and discussing them. English majors do that. And the Twilight books? They are relatively easy to read (a few big words), take you into another world, and really draw you into the conflict of good and evil and Bella and Edward.

Honestly, I don’t actually think vampires and werewolves (ok shapeshifters) exist, but I have always liked movies with a bit of supernatural in with the romance. And before you ask, I am on Team Jacob. I think occurences in my life have led me to think, it is better to have a guy who will stick by you through anything than a guy who dominates your life and makes choices (like Edward leaving) without consulting you.

I have discussed this with some people, and we’ve decided that Bella seems kind of an anti-feminist. And though inside some of us women we wish we could be swept off our feet by an Edward character (I think that’s the attraction of him besides the hunky Robert Pattinson), although a Jacob character would love us no matter what and for who we really are.

However, in spite of the inner yearnings of some women (and yes myself sometimes) for an epic romance, I don’t want to be like Bella. Crushed when left by one guy and using another in order to try to fill the hole that the other one left. I am the one who determines what I do, who I date, and for what reasons.

In New Moon, Bella seems powerless. And we modern women, in spite of heartbreak we may experience, are far from that. We let society and our own insecurities convince us we are. I think the book would have been much more interesting and less pathetic if Bella could just have found Edward, kicked him around a bit (hence the Edward bashing), and determined that Jacob was a safer choice and been happy the rest of her earthy life. But no, she whined and used Jacob for comfort, and then left him the second she found out where Edward was. Jacob in the later books is angry, because he does love Bella, but he’ll never be the “right type of monster” for her. Hey Jacob, I’m here, I can give you my address…

And I certainly don’t want to be like Bella at the end: (spoiler alert Breaking Dawn) married, knocked up, and turned into a vampire. I believe in eternal life but that’s certainly not the type I want.

Next, I am going to talk about my fangirl tendencies…or why liking books and movies appeals to me. It all started with Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic at age 11. I saw the 3 hour movie 3 times in the theater and devoted the better part of 3 or 4 years worshipping the story of Jack and Rose. Yes, I did fan fic, I bought the books, the dolls…etc etc. And it led me to meet Leanne, my penpal from London, England! (I miss ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca’ with you! Hi dear!) My passions for stories moved on to include Moulin Rouge (yay Ewan), Phantom of the Opera, and nearly every literature-based, historical, romantic, and maybe even Spanish-speaking movie/book/story that exists. I will save my ever-growing list of those for another post.

I think no matter how old I get, some stories (whether on paper or on the screen) will always appeal to me. I was going to say old and boring but I have no plan on becoming boring…I am going to be the best world-traveling, college-teaching, Latin-dancing awesome me I can be! But why do these stories appeal to me?

I guess I am a hopeless romantic, but a feminist one who thinks that I can make a love story happen for myself rather than waiting by for Prince Charming to come. Interesting story, huh? “And then Princess Charming held out the glass sneaker that she wondered how he could have dropped because it was made of glass. In fact, she wondered how it could have gotten on his foot in the first place… And he fawned over her, scooped her up into a passionate embrace, and they lived happily ever after.” Movies need to start telling those stories, because I certainly believe they exist! And there's one out there for me!

My good points!

Whether or not you care or know, I am having a very difficult time. In times like this I have to remind myself that there are good things about me and that I am loved by my family and friends. I hope you know how much you are loved and the good things about you. Life isn´t enjoyable without reminding yourself that you aren´t a total waste of life. I know I´m not.

I am a kind person.

I know Spanish content.

I have wonderful people surrounding me.

I have goals in life.

I enjoy learning.

I am honestly making an attempt to deal with my weaknesses. I know it may take a long time but eventually I will be happy with the way things go at work. And already tonight I went and worked off my stress...so hopefully paired with healthy eating it will result in more self confidence.

And if I am not able to be successful in everything, God has a plan for me.

People and things that keep me going...

First of all, just like in an acceptance speech, nothing in my life would be possible if it were not for God.

People -- thank you for supporting me and being there to hear when I have had a bad day.

• Mom, Dad, Whitty, Tay-Tay
• Cousin Jessica
• Coworkers at school
• Friends --
• Students who have the right attitude
• Teachers who supported me in high school and college
• The people at Curves

Things -- I am a big fan of these things, and if they were people, I´d thank them!

• Sushi -- both my dog and the food
• Books!
• Avacados
• Old Navy
• Mac!
• ITunes
• The cast of the shows ¨The Office,¨ ¨House,¨etc... Keep me laughing and interested during the week!

Buscando mi media naranja

The title of this blog entry is from an activity I was able to do at the UNL Immersion last summer. ¨media naranja¨is a phrase meaning literally ¨half orange¨ but it means essentially your ¨other half¨or soul mate. We took the idea of eharmony profiles and applied it to the book The Alchemist and the characters in it. It was super fun, like the rest of the Immersion! It´s also an idea I would really want to use in my classroom because it has you using the language in a useful, fun, realistic way.

I guess what thinking back to this activity made me think of was searching for my soul mate. Knowing that there are guys out there that are quality, I wonder sometimes if someone that is right for me exists.

I was single for 19 years of my life and have only had 2 boyfriends. My only significant relationship was 3 and a half years, My problem is that both of these guys liked me and I thought to myself, ok, I like the fact that these guys are liking me. And in both relationships, I put myself into them and really became attached to these guys. The bad thing about my last relationship is that I think my priorities were out of order. I put the guy first. Now whether this is because of my poor self esteem, a willingness to please, and a desire to stay in a relationship.... I realize now that there were a lot of things wrong with that relationship and the way I handled it.

Right now I am single again at age 24. It is ok. I think that God meant for me to realize that hey, I matter, and need to be happy with myself before I can be happy with another person. I am an awesome person who doesn´t have everything together, but there is a ton of things that are good about me.

I think the things that happen, for good or bad, make us who we are. I wouldn´t be the me I am today if I didn´t experience what I did.

A lot of times if I think about it, I can imagine the guy who is my media naranja. He doesn´t have to be anything, I know....but the type of guy who would really be an awesome boyfriend/future spouse would be...

• loving, kind, and not afraid to show what he is feeling
• understanding of the way I am and the things I value
• culturally competent and not prejudiced
• appreciative of what a treasure I am!
• able to understand my need for intellectual discussions, emotional moments (sometimes a girl just needs to cry or rant), and things related to Spanish.
• not my entire life, but a very very good part of my life, which would be a fulfilling life because of not just my relationship but many things.

And I think this time, if I see and meet someone who gives me a good feeling (deeper than just attraction, though that is important as well), I am going to take a chance trusting my own feelings and go for it! Love is too important to me to sit by waiting for someone to find me. I need to meet people, do fun things, and put myself out there in order to make my odds better.

And if God means for me to be single until the man he has ready for me arrives, that is ok. Obviously God knows what he is doing although I may not always understand it when it happens. God wants me to know that who I am is ok, and it should be a desire for me to change for myself that drives me to improve myself, not desiring to please someone. No thing or person on earth should be my god but GOD HIMSELF. He is the one who knows what is best for me and desires to be my All. And He deserves it!

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding

Yay Wordle, how fun!

Awesome English Wordle I made!

My attitude towards challenges

I have had a pretty easy life, I´ll be honest. I was a studious, quiet high schooler who found groups of friends who accepted me, and found sucess in extracurricular and academic activities.

Currently I am struggling with some issues in my life. Without getting into detail, I will say that my solution is going to have to come through me, with the help of God. I am not sure whether I am going to be able to do it, but I feel very blessed to have so many people supporting me in all I do.

I want to still follow through with my future plans for grad school.

I feel like God is speaking to me in little ways, like this quote from Teresa of Avila:

quien a Dios tiene
nada le falta
aunque todo lo pierda
solo Dios basta.

This means... who has God, is missing nothing. Although everything is possible to be lost (?), only God suffices.

I know I can get through anything if I rely on something bigger than myself. The things I accomplish in life will mean nothing if they come easily, and they will mean even less than nothing if I don´t give credit for accomplishments and getting through hard times to where it is needed.